Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Life without Miracle Whip®

If physical properties could somehow be attributed to a person’s state of mind,  mine is in a tailspin.

I might even be too upset and distracted to put together any kind of coherent thoughts today.   Oh wait, I haven’t been able to do that yet anyway!  *snort!*

Who am I trying to kid?

(yes,  I know it’s “whom”,  but who says that?)

For time immemorial,  or in our case since we moved to Europe,  there has always been “The Search”.   Searching for that ONE THING that you need,  or think you need.  Peanut butter comes to mind.  I can only get one kind.  It’s Skippy,  and I can get “Crunchy” or “Smooth”.  I screwed up once and got “Crunchy”.   I ate it,  but I don’t really like “Crunchy”.   Oh,  and it’s horridly expensive.  Like,  €2,99 for this tiny little jar.


Now,  if you’re not quite sure just how much (or how little)  240 grams is,  let me just demonstrate.


Note clothes pin for comparison.

Apparently there’s an international standard for clothes pins,  since the ones we have here are the same size as the ones we have back home.  Hey, they can do it with seat belts, so clothes pins aren’t that much of a stretch. 

By the way,  the Dutch word for “clothes pin” is “wasknijper”.   I haven’t a clue what they’re called in German,  since I bought our clothespins in the Netherlands.   I suppose I could look it up, but why bother?   These are not the kinds of things one learns when one receives one’s Degree in German Literature.    So if any of you have plans to get a degree in German Literature so you can then go shopping?   Not really the best plan.

Just thought I’d point that out.


OK fine,  I looked it up just now,  and the German word for clothes pin is, Wäscheklammer

Are we happy now?

I tried (once, only) some peanut butter I found at some “Exotic” food store over on the Gürtel.  It was pretty horrid.  My impression of that place is,  they just buy up all the cr*p that’s expired and can no longer be sold to actual grocery stores.  So much for that idea.


For any of you who have a memory better than mine,  you may recall that I could get the “true”  Miracle Whip up in Denmark.  Any time we’d take a hike up there so Travelling Companion could visit one of her locations in Vejle, I’d make sure to buy two or three jars.   I’ve put in a handy dandy Google Maps link for anyone wanting a quick geography lesson.  And it’s pronounced “ʋɑɪ̯lə” .   Um OK, “Vy'-la”  (as in I’m “vying” for a job) with the “uh”  at the end sort of being the sound you make when you tug on a recalcitrant door handle.   You’ll have to figure that out.

Like I said,  I’d buy two or three jars.  I’m well acquainted with at least ONE person who has a real hang up about expiry dates,  so there was little hope of truly stocking up. I won’t mention any names.  I really couldn’t tell you how expensive it was,  since I was paying with Danish Kroners,  and I didn’t care anyway.  I was just tickled to find Miracle Whip.

So when we moved down here to Wienerland in 09,  we brought with us the remnants of our precious cargo of Miracle Whip,  but soon discovered that we were starting to run out.   It was time to restart the “Search”.   Crap!

But!  There was good news!   I could at least get the “light” variety at Merkur.   We’re not overly keen on the “light” variety,  but it would have to do.  Kind of like the crunchy peanut butter analogy.

Naturally,  in German it’s spelled ever so slightly different,  since it would otherwise be impossible to pronounce.  Hence,  it’s “Miracel Whip”.   Ya,  spell check doesn’t like that one either.


As it so happens,  I made a batch of egg salad the other day,  and since my ultimate jar of Miracle Whip was nearly down to the bottom,  it was time for some more.   I even broke down and ASKED someone where the heck it had gotten to, after wandering up and down the aisle a half dozen times.  The clerk even knew what I was talking about, (I know!) managed to find the old label on the rack,  showing the product and price,  and then proceeded to point out that,  there was something on there to indicate (hey,  I didn’t have my glasses on)  that it was highly unlikely that they’d ever be getting it again. 

“Höchst unwahrscheinlich”,  were his exact words. 

My butt cheeks clenched ever so slightly at that moment.


In certain circumstances I’m pretty good at keeping my emotions in check,  but INSIDE, just then I was thinking, “Are you f**king kidding me???    Now what?”

I’m getting a little upset as I type this…

*breathe deeply*



I recall we picked up some last June on our way back from Bonn.   I think it was somewhere outside of Regensburg but, *sniff* I don’t really remember!    Why didn’t I write it down?  Oh why?  

But really,  the chances of me driving to Regensburg (if that was indeed the place) for a couple jars of Miracle Whip are pretty damned slim. 


I might take a walk down to the Westbahnhof and see if the Merkur there has any old stock hanging around.  Other than that,  I got nothin’.    We’re pooched.  

I think maybe it’s time to move.   Just has to be to some country where they have Miracle Whip.  

Here are the criteria. 

Languages spoken in order of familiarity:

German,  French,  Dutch,  Spanish.   Any country with any combination of the above.   BUT,  only if they sell Miracle Whip.

Oh,  and I suppose English is another possibility.  Forgot that one!  Ha!   And well, there’s that smattering of Russian, but are you kidding??


Now really,  is that too much to ask?


Moving along…



I took a pic of this week’s banana bread offering,  so here it is.  On the left is the remnants of last week’s.  It only really lasts about four days,  and then starts to get pretty dry.




Right.  I’m outta here. 


Keep those sticks on the ice.


Thanks for lookin’.





  1. I would have brought you some in my luggage if I had known!
    I had to smile the whole epistle.
    For us it's (among others) the German Vanille Zucker (Vanilla Aroma) or the Norwegian Brun Ost (Ski Queen, found that at Albertson's at exorbitant prices.) Last I was in my home country I tried to get Hirschhornsalz (Ammoniombicarbonat) to make P.'s special cookies. But, sorry only available around Christmastime. And yes, we also have a long list of items to bring to Canada every time we travel. Some things never change.

    The pronunciation of Velje was correct. I tried your advise and it really sounded like a "Dane". :))

    The "Miracel". I never realized the mis-spelling, but I am legasthenic anyway, the letters switch automatically into the right position while reading. (Laugh)
    Nay, the Germans germanized the word miracle to Mirakel = Wunder. But they should have left the K instead of the C.
    To pronounce a "cle" is difficult for the Germans, "kle" is easy (KELL), like Kelly without the Y. Mirakel
    But here are two simple words "Knut, or Knödel" for English speaking people. The
    The English speaking crowd says "KANUTE" or "KANODLE" with an A like in "come".
    The Germans pronounce the "kn" like a short snort.
    And go to Norwegian! An O pronounces as an U. An U pronounces as a German Ü, a V as a W. Ugh! Languages.

    Why don't you make your own mayonaise?

  2. Life without Miracle Whip would be just about perfect for me! Now, if I couldn't get any Hellmann's Mayonnaise, I'd be more than a little testy. :)

  3. is there life without Miracle Whip?..I don't think so..I spent a day looking for International House Brand Southern Butter Pecan Creamo for Doug's you have any idea how many grocery stores didn't have it?'s a conspiracy!!..needless to say I purchased a few when I did find it!!

  4. Glad to hear that Vejle had some small benefit to offset the parking ticket that I seem to recall. ....... Gunnar

  5. NOOOO!!! Have to have Miracle Whip. In our house we have MW for me and mayo for Jim. I just don't understand him. We also have both kinds of peanut butter. Did you know they did a study and they found out that women prefer crunchy and men prefer creamy. Wonder what's up with that.

  6. I'm going to comment on my comments, although I don't normally.
    @Bea. Now I'm tempted to look for some Hirshhornsalz. That's as crazy a name as "Natron", which is the name they use here for baking soda, although I don't think that's the same as Amoniumbicarbonate.
    @Judy. Sorry dear, but you can keep your Hellmans. Too heavy for me.
    @Sue. You'll just have to wait until tomorrow to find out how I made out at the second Merkur. Bwaahaaha.
    @Gunnar. Um ya. We never did pay that ticket. There was one fellow in the Danish version of TCTCBN (the company that cannot be named) that had quite the collection of them. I mean, I was driving a car with a Dutch plate and had an Ontario driver's license. I don't know how they thought they were going to get any money. Just a piece of paper on my wind-shield, albeit an annoying one.
    @Sandie. Funny thing about the study. My wife DID NOT like the crunchy much at all. I could tolerate it, but would just as soon go with the smooth.

  7. This is not a joke. Google the words "hirschhornsalz, image" and you actually see how the packages look like.
    However, there is time enough 'til December before it is needed again. :))


Well, I've been getting too many spam comments showing up. Just a drag, so we'll go another route and hope that helps. So, we won't be hearing anything more from Mr. Nony Moose.
I guess I'll just have to do without that Gucci purse.